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Kill a Gopher

PoorBest

Wednesday, 05 April 2006

I woke up one morning, looked in my backyard and found 3 or four holes on our hill. They could have only been made by one thing. A Gopher. Being a new home owner I have never had to get rid of a gopher before, but how hard could it be? Its just a rodent right?

1st Attempt at Gopher removal

We have seen it in the movies, so of course my first attempt was to get the hose. I shoved it down one of the holes, turned on the water and waited... and waited... and waited... thirty minutes went by, and the water never came back out the hole!

Gopher 1 Me 0

2nd Attempt.

I saw him today! He was pushing out dirt of a new hole. Of course as soon as I opened the back door he was gone. I tried the water hose trick again... nothing.

Gopher 2 Me 0

I ran to the local giant hardware warehouse store and asked for some help. What I walked out with was a gopher trap that you basically stuffed down one of him holes. Sounded too easy to be true! That afternoon I set the trap up in the new hole thinking he would return to finish what he started.

Three days later, no gopher and one more new hole. I am starting to think of just piping propane into the varmints home and lighting him on fire! That trap was a complete waste of money. Where is Carl Spackler (Bill Murrey) when you need him?

Gopher 3 Me 0

3rd Attempt.

Second trip to that Home Warehouse store. This time, I am not talking to some "Gardening Expert", I think I have more knowledge now then these employees. Poisons? He is too smart for that. Traps? I laughed when I saw those. Whats this? Hidden down on the bottom shelf I found it! This is it, he is a goner now! Poison Gas! Simply light it, shove it in a hole and cover it up! Pure Genius!

I get home, and don't even acknowledge my wife or kids. My White Whale is waiting for me, I can see him just taunting me in caves. It came with 4 sticks which was perfect since I have found 4 holes from Moby (Yes, Ive named my nemesis). After using the first one when i uncovered the other holes smoke would pour out. I would light the next one, shove it in and bury it back up. Finally! This was it!

Gopher 3 Me 1

Three days later in the early morning I was staring out into my garden. Moby's damage was still visible, but over time the garden would cover it back up. At that moment my body twitched when out of the corner of my eye I saw the impossible, it was the first time I saw Moby's face. That rodent survived and hes ripping the leaves off of one of my plants.

Correction!

Gopher 4 Me 0

Time to end this right now. Out in the garage was my friends BB / Pellet gun. I figured that I would need a pellet for this varmint, but I didn't have time to search for the pellets. I walked out to the garage, found the bb gun and made sure there was a BB in the chamber, and did a quick 6 pumps of pressure. Walking around the house I knew I had to be quiet, since the last time I saw him he darted when I made noise. Slowly I stalked my pray as he collected soft new leaves for a nest. From far away I lined up the sights with his head. When I was in range he suddenly dove back in his hole. Was that it? Did he hear or see me and now my chance is gone? I just waited there, silent and still. In an instant Moby appeared again as I slowly pulled the trigger.

In a flash Moby disappeared again! Did I miss? Did it just piss him off? What happen? I knew I should I looked for the pellets! I walked closer up to the hole with no sign of Moby. Damn Verment! I glanced down and noticed on the side of the hole was a deep red color. It was hit! Looking deeper inside the hole, there laying still was Moby. Eyes open, he was dead. I poked him with a stick to confirm, and then moved a handful of dirt over his hole. My white whale lost.

F'ricking varmint!

Gopher 4 Me 1 I WON!