主题：最近看到的笑话之四 -- 钛豌豆

How do you convince Americans to get involved in a war?

Tell them it's nearly finished.

如何说服美国参与一场战争？

告诉他们战争马上就要结束了！

An American walked into an English pub and asked for a pint of Budweiser.

The barman replied "You're American aren't you?"

The man says, "Yeah. Could you tell by the drink I ordered, or the accent?"

The barman replied. "Neither, you are the fattest **** I have ever seen."

一个美国人走进一个英国酒吧,点了一瓶百威

服务员问道:你是美国人吧?

美国人诧异的回答:是啊!你是怎么知道的?是我点的酒不一样,还是口音不一样?

服务员回答:都不是! 你是我见过最TM胖的!

I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Tωitter.

I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.

All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."

However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

我新买了一辆保时捷,并更改了我微博的状态

很奇怪这么多美国人在回复里喷我

我新改的状态是:我等不及了,新911快点来!

不过,4000个巴基斯坦人倒是突然关注了我!

THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM....

....God's way of teaching geography to Americans!

反恐战争: 这是美国人学习地理的方法!

50% of Americans don't have a passport.

It's not that they don't want to leave their country,

They're just too fat to fit into a photo booth.

50%的美国人没有一张护照

不是因为他们不想出国

而是一张两寸照实在装不下他们"苗条"的身体!

Why wasn't Christ born in America?

They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

耶稣为什么不出生在美国?!!

因为在美国实在找不到三个聪明的人和一个处女......

（看过圣经的都能看懂的）

What's this; "One, two, three, four, another, another, another..."?

An American counting.

美国人是这样数数的: 一, 二, 三, 四, 又一个, 又一个, 又一个......

An American found a job in UK.

On his first day, the boss tells him to sweep up the floor.

"Excuse me? I'm from one of the best colleges in the U.S.A.!"

"Oh, I'm so very sorry!" replied the bank manager. "Let me call someone in to show you how to do it."

一个美国人在英国找了份工作

工作第一天，老板叫他去拖地

美国人怒了：不好意思！我是美国顶尖大学的毕业生！

老板马上诚恳的道歉：实在是对不起！我马上叫其他人过来教你怎么拖！

Nine years of searching, 140 000 troops deployed, $125 billion spent and still the Americans can't manage to find a man who lives in a cave.

No wonder Batman was so successful.

动用14万军队,用了9年时间,花了1250亿美金,美国人竟然没找到一个住在山洞里的人!

我现在知道为什么蝙蝠侠在美国能火了

Match of the Day - Slovenia 2-0 USA at half-time.

American News - Suspicions of oil under Slovenia.

今天的比赛是:斯洛文尼亚半场的时候 2:0 美国

美国的新闻:斯洛文尼亚地底疑似存在石油

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?

Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.

Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.

Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.

Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

美国JC局接线员:这里是911. 有什么事需要报J吗?

美国人:我想要打九,十一,但是手机上没有十一这个按键.

接线员:我这就是九,十一.

美国人:但你刚才说这里是911（九幺幺）啊!

接线员：是的！九，十一和911是一样的！

美国人：哈哈！别骗我了！我虽然老了，但我不傻！

。。。。

Emigration to the USA is a good thing.

Everytime someone moves to live in the USA from their home country the average IQ of both countries goes up.

移民到美国是件好事!

每次有人从自己国家移民到美国,两个国家的平均智商都会变高!好事啊!

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much does it cost?"

The American graduate with the Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

研究科学的学生会问:这个东西为什么能工作?

工程学的学生会问:这个东西是怎么工作的?

会计学的学生会问:这个东西的造价是多少?

来自美国的学生会问:我能用这个东西炸薯条吗?

I've just noticed that wikiрedia has an option of 'simple english' under languages.

Don't they mean American?

我上维丵基百科,上面除了"英文"选项外,还一个"简单英文"的选项

他们的意思是不是"美国人请点这个"?

A popular bar had a new robotic bartender installed, to make serving drinks more efficient.

A guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "140."

So the robot proceeded to make conversation about string theory and the latest cancer research.

The man listened intently and thought, "This is absolutely great."

Another guy came in for a drink and the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man responded, "120."

So the robot started talking about the controversies surrounding creationism and the abortion argument.

The man thought to himself, "Wow, this is fantastic."

A third guy came in to the bar. As with the others, the robot asked him, "What's your IQ?"

The man replied, "65."

The robot then said, "So, how are things in America these days?"

一个酒吧安装了一个新型的机器服务员，还擅长与客人聊天。

一个人过来要了杯酒，机器人问他：你智商多少？

客人回答：140

于是机器人与客人讨论了超弦理论和最新的癌症研究

另一个人过来要了杯酒，机器人问他：你智商多少？

客人回答：120

于是机器人与客人讨论了环境创造说和关于流产的议题。

第三个人过来要了杯酒，机器人问他：你智商多少？

他回答：65.

于是机器人随意的问他：哥们，美国那最近还好吧？

What did the kamikaze pilot say to his students?

Watch closely - I'm only going to show you once!

神风敢死队的教练是如何教导学生的？

教练：看仔细了！！！我只示范一遍！！！！

Samurai on the Toilet.

A film by Takeshi Kitano.

(>_<)

(o_o)

(0_0)

(^_^)

The End.

北野武新片:<上厕所的武士>

(>_<)

(o_o)

(0_0)

(^_^)

完

99% of Japanese are cremated, the highest rate worldwide.

It has remained popular since it was introduced to the country by the Americans in 1945.

日本人死后99%都是火化,火化率世界最高.

是1945年美国人教他们的,从此便开始流行了!

Why are the Japanese afraid of Muslim women?

They think they're ninjas.

日本人为什么害怕穆斯林妇女?

因为他们以为见到了忍者!!

I think I might need glasses, just had sex with a japanese girl and her fanny was all blurry.

我觉得我可能需要戴眼镜了! 刚刚和日本少女zuo爱, 眼里看到的一片模糊!

Sky News: A Man has Hi-Jacked a bus full of Janapese tourists. The Metropolitan Police found the man after he abandonded the vehicle because they had 5,000 pictures of him.

日本新闻:

一歹徒劫持了一辆坐满日本游客的汽车.

最后JC发现歹徒放弃了汽车,因为游客们掌握了歹徒的5000张照片!

How many Japanese people does it take to unscrew a lightbulb?

10001.

1 to unscrew it and 10000 to take a picture.

换一个灯泡需要多少日本人?!

1万零1个

1个人换灯泡,另外1万个人负责拍照!

Give a Japanese man a fish, he can eat for a day...

Give him a fishing net he can find his wife and kids.

给日本人一条鱼,他能吃一天

给日本人一个渔网,他能找到自己的老婆和孩子....

(英国人太狠了~)

Still in shock about the Japan incident

losing 5-3 on penalties against paraguay:(

我被日本的惨剧震撼了!!!!日本人民太不幸了!!!

.

.

.

竟然点球大战5:3输给了巴拉圭.....

Just saw about the Japanese woman who got re-united with her dog after it had been at sea for a month.

No wonder she's so happy, that's dinner sorted.

刚看到一个日本女人与她失散一月的狗狗团聚，表情相当兴奋！

也难怪她这么高兴，毕竟晚饭是有着落了！！！

In Japan, everything is miniaturised.

The women are not too pleased about it.

日本太小了,所有东西都是迷你版的!

日本女人对此表示不满意!!

Funny prank: teach your girlfriend Japanese by telling her that that favourite item she tasted at the sushi bar is called "bukkake" then sit back and watch the hilarity the first time she tries to order on her own!

恶作剧: 教你女朋友,寿司里她最喜欢吃的东西叫: bukkake! 然后看她第一次用这个词去点菜,有你乐的了!!!

(自己去百度bukkake吧)

I found out today that there are over 1 billion Chinese people in the world...

...but if there are so many, how come I've only ever seen one?

我听说全世界有超过十亿中国人，如果真的有这么多的话，为什么我只见过一个？

I was so sad when I heard of the devastation in japan...

Who knows when the Wii 2 will come out now?

听到日本的灾难我感到非常心痛!!!

现在谁TM知道WII 2 什么时候出啊!!!!

The experts are saying that in a few year's time, the snooker world's top 16 will be dominated by Chinese players.

As a British citizen proud of its snooker heritage, I say we should lift the height of the snooker table by 6 inches or so.

That should teach them.

有砖家说未来几年之内，中国会统治斯诺克世界前十六名。作为一个在斯诺克水平上有着优越感的英国人，我们应该把球桌增高六英寸。

这样就能教训教训中国人了。

What's a Jew's ultimate dilemma?

Free pork.

犹太人最矛盾的时候是什么?

"免费猪肉"

How do we know that Adam and Eve weren't Chinese?

They ate the apple, not the snake.

你知道为什么亚当和夏娃不是中国人么？

因为他们吃的是苹果，而不是那条蛇。

What do you call 1,000 Jews on a train?

Whatever you like, they're not coming back

火车上的一千个犹太人叫什么?

无所谓! 因为他们不会回来了!!!

A Jewish boy walks up to his father and asks, "Dad, can I have 50 pence please?"

Dad replies, "40 pence? What do you want 30 pence for? I haven't got 20 pence! Here's 10 pence, share it with your sister."

一个犹太小孩问他爸: 爸,能给我5毛钱吗?

他爸回答道:4毛?! 你要3毛钱干嘛!! 我没有2毛钱!!! 这有1毛钱！！拿去跟你妹妹一起花吧！！！

I woke up this morning to the news that my grandmother had been murdered.

That's the last time I tell a Jew someone's got a heart of gold.

我早上醒来的时候发现我祖母被谋杀了!!

我再也不告诉犹太人,谁有金子般的心了!!!

I raped a Jewish girl the other day. It was amazing, she was so ****ing tight!

She used my phone to call the police afterwards.

我欺负了一个犹太女孩,真TM爽!!!

但之后她借了我的手机报Jing了.

I wore a big neon sign on my front the other day saying, "OPEN".

"Why are you wearing that?" my friend asked.

"It represents my tolerance to other religions," I replied.

"Wouldn't a T-shirt be cheaper?" he asked.

My reply was, "What are you, a ****ing Jew?"

我穿了件衣服,前面有两个霓虹大字:包容

我朋友问我:你为什么穿这个?

我说:这代表我对各种种族的尊重!

他问：“不如买T恤！比你这个便宜多了！”

我怒骂道：你算个P！ SB犹太人！！！

Everybody that likes Jews please raise your right arm to a 150 degree angle.

所有喜欢犹太人的请把右手向前举到150度!

An Israeli tank is chasing a Muslim.

Suddenly the Arab stops, finding himself at a dead end, and starts blasting at the tank with his AK.

He fires and fires with all his heart as the tank is getting nearer and nearer, and then, one moment the Muslim suddenly stops shooting.

The tank also stops and the Jew pops his head out.

"Why did you stop shooting?"

"I ran out of bullets," answered the Muslim.

"I can sell you some."

一辆以色列坦克正在追一个穆斯林

穆斯林已经跑进了死胡同,他突然转身,拿起AK朝坦克开火!

他一直在开火,坦克却越来越近,突然他停止了开火

坦克也停止了,一个犹太人探出头来问道:你怎么不打了?

穆斯林无奈的回答:子弹用完了!

犹太人说道:我便宜卖你点?!!!

A Jew is up a ladder cleaning a window when a pound coin falls out of his pocket.

He climbs down to get the pound and it hits him on the head.

一个犹太人爬上楼梯去擦玻璃.

突然一个硬币从他口袋掉了出来

他连忙爬下来去捡

硬币刚好掉在他头上!

Why are Jews noses so big?

Because air is free!

为什么犹太人鼻子这么大？？？

因为空气是免费的呀！！！

My Jewish neighbour told me of his relief when he went downstairs one morning, to find his wife being raped.

When he heard the noise, he thought he'd left the TV on all night.

我的邻居是犹太人.有一天早上,他跑下楼,发现他老婆正被人强J!

他跟我说,当时他松了一口气!

他说"听到楼下传来声音的时候,我还以为是昨晚电视忘关了呢!吓死我了!!!"

What's the difference between Pinocchio and a Jew?

Pinocchio is only a big nosed lying bastard half the time.

匹诺曹和犹太人的区别是什么?

匹诺曹只有一半的时间是说谎的大鼻子无耻混蛋!!!

What did the Jews like best about Auschwitz?

The free haircuts.

犹太人最喜欢奥斯维辛集中营什么?

剪发是免费的!!!

The real crime of Auschwitz? All those carbon emissions.

走进奥斯维辛集中营真正的罪恶: 二氧化碳排放!

My Jewish mate claims he's no longer a paedophile because it's immoral.

I reckon it's because the price of sweets went up.

我一个犹太朋友说他不再是恋童癖了,因为这不道德!

我想是因为糖果最近涨价了吧!!!

Did you hear about the Jewish Santa Claus?

He comes down the chimney and says, "Hi kids! Do you want to buy some presents?"

如果圣诞老人是犹太人回怎样?

他会从烟囱爬下来,然后喊:哈哈!孩子们,谁想要买点玩具吗?

As a photographer, imagine my delight when I got a job to photograph pupils at a predominantly Chinese school.I made a fortune, and only had to take one photo.

作为一名摄影师，想想我在得到在中国学生居多的学校拍照的工作有多高兴。我发了大财，并且只照了一张相

I'm absolutely knackered from my French self-defence class last night.

I've never run so far in all my life.

昨天上的法式自卫课累死我了!!!

我这辈子都没跑过这么远!

I've got a tip for you: if you install the French versions of your favourite programmes, they run a lot faster.

有一点我要提醒你一下:如果你的程序装了法国版的,它跑的会比其他国家快一些!!

Have you ever tried to play the Chinese version of the board game, "Guess who?"It's ****ing impossible, they all looked the same.

你是否试过玩中国版的“猜猜我是谁”？那他马是不可能的，他们看上去一个德行

"OK I'm sorry, you win, I concede, I give up, I surrender, no more, have mercy, leave me alone."

If you'll pardon my French.

"对不起,你赢了,我退步,我放弃,我投降,别打了,可怜我一下,放过我吧"

这是我刚学的法语,学的不好,请多多见谅,呵呵!

Man goes into a library and asks for a book about French War Heroes.

The librarian tells him to try the fiction section.

一个人去图书馆,想要借阅一本关于法国战争英雄的书.

管理员耐心的对他说:您可以去科幻小说区找找.

I love ha幷ving a Chinese girlfriend.When she walks in on me Fu幷сking her friends, I can always lie,"But darling, I thought it was you."

我喜欢找中国女朋友。当她发现我在上她的朋友时，我总可以撒谎说：“但是亲爱的，我以为她是你啊”

It turns out that the sport 'Parkour', used for escaping from dangerous situations, was invented by the French.

****ing typical.

我今天才知道,原来跑酷(用于躲避各种危险处境)是法国人发明的!

真TM是典型的法国佬!!!

How can you recognise a French war veteran?

Sunburned armpits.

如何辨认一个法国老兵?!

看他腋下是否被太阳烧伤了!!!

What did France used to be called ?

Germany, until the Brits saved them.

回顾历史:法国人以前的名称是什么?

德国人!!!直到大英帝国拯救了他们!!!

Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors?

So they can watch the battle.

法国坦克为什么要有后视镜?

"这样他们就可以观看到战斗了!!"

Did anyone else notice that the crowd attending the Cоmmunist P幷arty celebrations in Beijing today looked a bit bored by it all?Most of them could hardly even keep their eyes open

有没有什么人注意到今天参加在北幷京的共幷产党庆祝活动的人们看起来有些无聊了？他们大多连眼睛都睁不开了。

I remember it well. I was about 14 when this girl came up and kissed me. I was so scared, I ran away.

It was my first French kiss.

我记得很清楚:在我14岁的时候,一个女孩跑过来亲了我.我很害怕,赶紧跑了!

这是我第一次法式接吻

Starting pistols are banned from the 2012 olympics as the French competit0rs run in the wrong direction.

2012奥运会里,号令枪要被取消!

因为法国运动员听到枪响后,总是往相反方向跑

French tanks have five gears:

Four to reverse out of battle and one forward in case they're attacked from the rear.

法国坦克有5个马达:

4个是后退的,战争时直接后退!

1个是前进的,来防止后面被攻击了!